That's my baby!
Oh look, she's so TINY!
Oh my, she's so big now.
The last is said with much less enthusiasm as the ache of nostalgia rises in me. Where did that time go? I remember it clearly, now that I see the images. How could things have gone this far? I think of all the days compressed between then and now and it hurts. Tears prick my eyes. How many days were good ones since then? How many did I think were bad? Was I a good mommy through this time? Did I make her happy?
I think being nostalgic is feeling bittersweet. I'm glad for the time we had, yet pained that slice of it is over. Those days will never be again and I worry I didn't live them right. I didn't live up to what my children should have as a mom. Who I should have been as a wife, a woman. My baby will never be a baby again. My throat constricts and swallowing made difficult, painful. Pushing back emotions that are more regret than I want to realize.
Though the realization is with me now, helping to change my day today I know it will pass. Time will step away, allow my life to tumble forward until that next time it decides to stop me and remind me that the life we live has a limit and once it's over, it's gone. Hour to hour, day to day, year to year. We only get once.
Cordelia age Two. A series of photos pulled off an old SD card.
Cordelia age five.