Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Long Road

I'm walking precariously on a road. A road I never envisioned being on in the first place so being here is a little bit of a shocker. Now that I realized it of course. I've been moving forward even if it is ever so slowly towards a life. It sounds a little funny, I know. I mean I have a life. I've been living it for close to three decades but aparently there's a new one out there that I'm travelling towards.

Its a little scary. Mainly because I don't know whats going to happen.

I have ideals that are still skittering on the fuzzy outskirts of my mind. Sitting at the end of the road. Things I think I might want or just solutions to things I'm unhappy with. They're starting to come into focus. Like an oasis far down a hot dusty path I see shapes and colors flickering in waves of heat. There, but not really. Or maybe they are.

You see, I've had a mental blindness if you will. A blank hole in my thought process that I encouraged with ignorance. Having kids helps you see things with mommy goggles. It helps you to want to know about things that didn't bother you before. To discover things about yourself. Your life. The world. It helps you to see.

I'm sure there are other ways to come to the epiphanies that are silently stalking me in the shadows. This is just how it happened to me.

The truths I had before about my world I look back on with shock.

Power comes from the outlets. Gas from a gas station. Chicken from the store. Diapers go in the trash. Fast food is fine a few times a week. Lettuce doesn't need to be washed.

Dear lord, I was so naive.

I rarely took an opportunity to look beyond myself to the impact my solitary actions had on my life and others. Because that's what they were: Solitary. It was just little ol' me. How much could I impact anything? I now have five other people who will be changing the world with the paths of their lives. Add in their daddy and there's seven people to account for. 

I also don't like thinking my kids will grow up with the same blindness I'm just now recovering from. It's a hard, slow process and I don't want them to have the same regrets I do. I don't want them to go through so many years never being completely satisfied but not knowing why. Feeling something was off when I gave myself the opportunity to look. I was edging closer to walking the road I didn't know was there.

I had implemented a few things over the years but nothing stuck. In all honesty, I never really tried. Taking steps backward or standing still is easier than picking up a foot and pushing it through to take another step. When it got too difficult I just gave up. Convenience is easy. Comfortable. But sometimes comfort doesn't feel good.

Today I find myself on a road. I'm standing somewhere between convention and the unconventional. Ease and work. Societies standard and the unknown depth of my own standards. It's hard being here. Sometimes I have to revert to "the old way" I did things just because I don't have the knowledge, skills or ability to do it the way my heart tells me to. Going back makes it harder to go forward again. But sometimes it can renew determination to take more steps than before.

I might not be able to see the end of the road. It might not come into focus for a long time. But I'm far enough along now that I can't see the begining anymore either.

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