Living in Fear

Today, I have been reading some of the blogs I follow and there has been a recurring theme in the posts; simplifying life, reducing dependency on the mainstream, giving up, letting go and creating a sustainable homestead. This is something we've been striving towards, learning about and yearning for. I dream of hearing our dairy cow beacon to us. Walk our fields surrounded by a herd of goats. Fire up the outdoor handmade brick oven to bake the bread for the week.

The life I envision is not all homemade lemonade and fireflies. It's hardwork, devotion and a frugal simplicity that quite frankly, I'm not used to. I long to drop everything, leave it all behind and stake our new life out on our five acres. To pay for in sweat and sore muscles what I can't afford. To plan our meals by scouting out what's ripe in the garden instead of what I can coupon-match from the store. To have the abundance of wealth around me instead of in our bank account.

But those dreams and goals have to be accomplished with infiniately small baby steps. We are not the pioneers of old, strapping everything to a wagon and heading out with a wish on a sleeve that it'll work out. There are laws about living in vehicles with kids now.

Nor are we even the young, newly wedded couple that my grandparents were, building a house without permits with doors from an old box car. I grew up in that house which didn't have indoor plumbing until I was two years old. But there are laws now about acceptable materials, waste disposal and ceiling heights. (Though I will add, that house is still standing  fifty some odd years later and currently being lived in.)

Right now we live in something of a state of fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of pursuing our dreams and failing, fear of taking on more than we can chew. Fear that money is key and if we don't have enough we'll never survive. We even have trepidation of the animals we long for. Having never experienced them in the flesh, reality can be nerve-wracking. Fear that taking a chance or risk will have others up in arms, that their fear and ignorance will have these law-seekers taking our children from us. There are just so many, many laws regarding child welfare.

There seems to be a crux we are too afraid to cross. A point where the life we lead now splits off to the life we want to have. I feel soul-deep that to make that transition is going to take a hard sacrifice and a two-footed leap of faith. That continuing with baby steps and waiting until things are "just right" -that job that gets lined up, the raise that gets us just "that much" more money, the house gets completed, we get that tractor or the baby gets older so we can do more on the land- will delay our dreams until we're too old to accomplish them. But no matter how much I wish to have the biggest yard sale of my life, pack up what remains and move three hours north, I just can't. Even though my heart, soul, and head all scream for me to do it.

Perhaps, I'm just voicing the thoughts and feelings of all those others that came before us, those men and women that did what we want to. Perhaps they too, lived in fear.

I worked Hard.

Saturday we woke up and took the kids to the movies. Our new sitter came to test drive Max and see if she'd be up to coming twice a week for the rest of the summer. I need the break. I need the time to gather my thoughts, work on school and treat the still painful episodes I get from the car accident from last July. We had a great time seeing Toy Story 3. I cried and sniffed loudly. I hope I didn't bother anyone. The kids on the other hand, were quieter than I was. It was so nice getting out and doing "big kid" stuff. It was also Emmy's first non-diapered outing. What a day.

We came home midafternoon. The sky was threatening rain. Dark clouds polka-dotted the bright blue sky. I wanted the rain. My garden needs it. For a state that is surrounded on three sides by water, we get so little of it during these upper-ninety high summer days. The sitter said everything went well and is excited to start on Tuesday. I sent her off deleriously happy I might actually get a break regularly then headed out before the clouds lived up to their threats.

Max is still going through an attached-to-mommy phase which has made outside chores hard to do. But the garden was being neglected and I had to find a solution. I set him up in the baby pool near the gardens edge with the picnic table umbrella as shade. I tended to my baby as I tended my garden. The weeds were thick and stubborn so I borrowed my neighbors electric weed whacker thing. There was so much more than I realized and had to take breaks regularly. My arms aren't as strong as I want to think they are.

It was a slow process. The heat beat down on me. Dirt smeared my face and arms. Weeds got tossed out and new plants brought in. Leeloo has been digging in the garden so I replaced what she tore away with new rich black soil. Over the course of last week, I had harvested more rabbit manure and had slowly added it to the top of the garden. I worked the nutrients deep in the empty parts of the beds. Max stayed in his designated spot with little trouble which was helpful to me accomplishing so much.

I refilled the aquaglobes. I have to say, I didn't think this novelty item was really at all worth it. Now, I wish I had bought more when I found them so cheap. While the heat and relentless sun drain them rather quickly, they do help the plants from getting scorched which is all I can really hope for. I lost so much last year to that harsh globe of fire.

I have a hard time finding the little victories in my gardening pursuits. I'm not a natural gardener. I once killed an entire cactus family. Even Arizona can't do that. Two years ago, when I decided the kind of life I wanted to lead I started my first little garden with a few tomatoes and herbs. I knew I was in for a lot of learning when they all rapidly died. Looking over my garden I see the failure, the disappointment. It's hard not to see the bad when there's so much of it. The fact that so little is actually producing save for the lemon grass and those two small watermellons is sometimes hard to swallow. One can only eat so much sage. There is a lot of green out there, it's just not giving me much.

I have to keep things in perspective though. It's why I started the 2010 tally on the side bar. I need to be reminded that good things do happen. Things are moving forward even though the miniscule daily growth is so hard to notice. I flipped through the photos in my folders and found this taken just three short months ago.

A big difference compared to this from today.

This second bed is cleared out and will be home to the new squash and pumpkin vines that are still under the grow light indoors. I want to give them a good hearty start before they are pushed outside under the sun. I'm constantly fighting off the shield beetles that are attracted to my watermellon and cucumber vines. As long as I'm dilligent, and go out every day to spray them off the plants they seem to be more managable than the horde swarm that decended last year.

I worked hard. My muscles are still protesting. They're weak from holding the heavy weed eater and digging up the tough as nails dirt. Pulling up creeping grass by the roots and laying down new hope. We'll see in a few weeks if my effort will pay off.

Skittish

I've come to the realization that I can't learn to do anything right without first doing it every possible way wrong. Or surmounting every concievable obstacle and problem surrounding whatever task or project I want to undertake. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not.

It was like that with the garden. Blight, mildew, various bugs, drought, flooding, no fertilization, no sprouts, and disease. And that was just in my first year. This year has been better. I can at least say that.

Yesterday, I had gathered up my camera and variety of rabbit care tools in the hopes of capturing me grooming one of the boys.  So I could show everyone that even a novice with no mentor, no farm past and no farm present can have a tiny slice of the life we Barnheart'ers crave.

It went well...at first. I relieved Duncan of another mass of soft-as-air fluff. I trimmed off a hidden mat on his hind leg. All the while he was perfectly fine. Oh, there was the one moment when I was sitting in my anirondack chair softly cooing to the gentle beast while gathering his white gold when he got a bit spooked and jumped off my lap. I let him go, grabbing for him could hurt him more than the short jump from my knees to the wood pallet deck. He stopped after he landed and I scooped him back up and proceeded with the trimming.

He seemed fine. Until I put him back in his cage, his face smeared with blood. When things like this happen my heart jumps into my throat and otherwise stops altogether. Breath catches in my lungs, I have to tamp down the panic. I checked him over and found one nail hanging in the fur of his front paw. Somewhere during the trim -I'm thinking when he lept- it ripped off. The entire nail. Black claw and white bed. The blood flowed hard and red, he favored the other leg. Duncan washed perfusely which only aided in smearing the fresh red blood all over his stark white fur, leaving him looking like a derranged psychotic carnivore. The contrast was startling.

I left him to tend himself unsure what the proper course of action was. They don't cover these things in Rabbits for Dummies. I hopped on the Rabbit Talk board and frantically posted a question about what to do.

Thankfully, it seems this will take care of itself. It needs to stay clean and Duncan needs to stay calm so he doesn't rip it open while it heals. As long as infection doesn't set it, he'll be fine. This morning I went out and he greeted me at the door, his face white again and weight seemed equally distributed between front paws. Breath I didn't know I held was released in an audible sigh. I'm not going to finish his trim for at least a week while he heals. No out-of-cage exploring for him either.

I could have posted how wonderful the event went yesterday and omitted the part when my rabbit profusely bled all over and scared the hell out of me. I could have made my homesteading experience a vision of a slowly fulfilling dream-life but that's not how I function. The good comes with the bad. My learning seems to thrive on haywire and the unplanned. Yes, I'm skittish like a rabbit in an open meadow with hawks circling above when it comes to expanding my homesteading endeavors. The loss of Flora still has me nervous about those two new does I'm considering. But even with all the problems chalked up to learning, all the bitching and all the heartache my life really is a slowly fulfilling dream.

Farmer U

A few months ago I sent in my eighty dollars to Penn State to enroll in their online Beginner Farmer Course. The nine unit lesson is broken up by different farming categories which you can take in order or break up as you need with no time limits on completion. There's a general overview of farming, fruit or vegetable farming, farm implements and safety and others.

I finished my first course a few weeks ago. Wow.

At first, while I was reading the materials I wasn't sure if it was going to work for me. The reading material is based on Agriculture in Pennsylvania, of which I am ridiculously far from. But the lesson worksheet had nothing to do with PA. It focused on my soil, my region, my farm.

I was asked to question my little five acre's land formations, soil content and farm viability. What and how would I sell my products to become an in-the-black farm? What are long term goals as well as starting out ventures? What is biosecurity and how is it applicable to my farming procedures?

I sent in my worksheet via email to the instructor who got back to me faster than I expected. He asked further questions, requesting I elaborate on points I made in my answers. Probing me to dive further into the land I already own and my visions for it. He was patient and informative, giving me more resources to look at and leaving me with an open invitation to ask more questions.

It was wonderful and eye-opening and only the first of nine lessons. Thinking about that bare five acres in real ways is molding the vision into something that just might be. There is so much I don't know about managing a successful income sustaining farm, or even a hobby farm. Hell, I've never even held a chicken before. Having to take an indepth, hard look at what I really have to work with and want to accomplish makes having these dreams that much closer to reality even if I don't get to pet the livestock.

There are a couple other courses through Cornell that start up after the growing season is over in late September that I'll be looking into. They're more expensive but learning is just about all I can do right now. I'm greedy for information. I heard a funny quote once that has stuck with me, though I can't site the source:

"Read, read, read. Learn all you can about the animals you want to keep. And then remember, they didn't read the same books."

I'll take an anteater and a block of ice, please.

I've been getting melancholy lately. Perhaps, this depression goes a bit with being un-godly sick for a ridiculous amount of time (yes, I'm still fighting it). Things have been happening around the house that make me think homesteading is just not ever going to happen for us. Money slips away and time whips by without much progress towards our life-changing dreams. I feel like we're just bobbing enough to keep our heads above water never getting on the boat that would give us smooth sailing. Fighting against a tide we have no hope of ever besting.

Perhaps, that's what a lot of people feel.

It seems like nightly we've been scouring the house taking down swarms of termites that have been wriggling their way under our near-century old wooden windows, congregating around the nearest lit lightfixture. Dropping their wings wherever they happen to be and chasing each other in frantic mating along walls, in the bathtub and on bed sheets. It's frustrating and gross. Though, other than getting the house tented (which is another set-back and another thing we really can't afford) we just have to deal with it, stalking the windows with the Raid and then unceremoneously vaccuuming up the remains. With the multitude of swarms that visit us practically nightly, it seems we must have a very tasty house.

Still, it makes me wonder what the city rules are on pet anteaters.

Two days ago it was 100.4 degrees outside in the shade. No lie. I can't imagine farming in that kind of weather. Yet, that's all I truly want to be doing; farming. Yesterday, our AC broke. And broke as in part of the mechanism outside fell off and the fan had desintegrated in places.

It only got up to 89 outside but inside it was 92 by the end of the day. We laid in melting puddles in our underwear under the ceiling fans all afternoon wishing we had blocks of ice underneath us. Nothing got done, it was just. Too. Hot. Rob came home from work at five bringing with him a wonderful new fan for the outside condenser. In five minutes it was fixed. Gotta say, I do appreciate having my own personal handy-man. We ended up going out for dinner before taking Leeloo to her first puppy class to give the house a chance to cool off before we headed to bed after annihilating yet another swarm. I can't believe it's only June.

It makes me worry that I won't be able to follow through with the chores a full-fledgd homestead needs. It also makes me realize why we have so few small farms in Florida. I can't image living down here a hundred years ago with no possible notion of central air or large scale termite solutions.

Things will get done -however sweat-soaked and slowly- and hopefully, money will also slowly get saved, but it's worrisome and disappointing when nothing seem to ever go as planned.

I wish I had prolific squash.

Someone *ahem, Emmy...* stuck a quarter in my SD card reader so there was a moment there where the possibility of getting new photos up for all these new posts was almost nonexistent. I skillfully pulled it out. A few days ago Max popped off the space bar, relieving me of the ability to separate words. I think the kids are mutining against my computer...

In other -better- news the summer garden is getting prepped. I bought this Hydrofarm JSV2 2-Foot Jump Start T5 Grow Light System grow light and mentioned getting it on Saturday. Monday, I planted the seeds and Tuesday set up the light.

It's on the top shelf of the homeschool room. It literally touches the ceiling. I'm really overall very happy with the light. For under fifty bucks shipped, there isn't anything I can complain about. I'll have more of an opinion though, after the seeds sprout. I bought some square pot plates but didn't realize they were too big to sit side by side, so I'll have to use the remaining space for more of the little yogurt cup planters without drilling holes in them to drain. No biggie, but I have to wait till we eat more yogurt before I can plant.

I planted bib lettuce, rosemary, pumpkins, watermellon, yellow summer squash, chives and parsley. From the garden I pulled out the remnants of the seven romaine plants, the blueberries that got fried and the cut down broccoli stalks. There's a lot of room out there now. The tomatoes have pretty much finished, I lost a lot to the stink bugs but did get quite a few in. There are still a few more cherry tomatoes going.

The one watermellon also is a loss though the vines are twining beautifully, I suppose it grew to fast and it split itself. I've never grown watermellon before so that was a learning experience. There is another getting quite big on part of the vine that's vertical. I bought some cheap pantyhose today to make a sling for it since it's dangling heavy in the air. I'll post photos on that soon. Should be quite a sight.

The couple of carrots and the canteloupe seem stunted and the Kiwi burnt out. It's just so hot here. The banana peppers are looking good though, and a few of the herbs are really thriving. I'm doing better this year from last but there's still quite a lot of disappointment out there. Seventy square feet isn't much but it's more than I've ever done.

I think I might be the only person on the planet that can't grow zucchini. I planted eight seeds. Four sprouted. Only one has really thrived and has given me three tiny shriveled stubs of what had been promising shoots and one good sized fruit. There are two more that look good but we'll have to see. I envy those that have to give zucchini away or find four pound fruit hidden in the vines that they were completely unaware of.

I wish soul-deep that I had prolific squash.

A New Adventure

I'm mapping out our homeschool for next year. With year round school, I have to get a jump start on the learning plan or December will run past and I won't know what I'm doing come January.

We work our school year by the actual calendar year, starting in January after the holiday's cease and ending in December before Solstice. This gives us flexibility in our year to take time off for other things that don't coincide with the public school system calendar. As long as we get in the 180 days of school for the year, I feel we've met Florida's (very relaxed) standards.

Next year I think I want to try something different than what we've been doing. For once in my parenting life I'm not pregnant or with a newborn. And there's no chance I will be. Max will be two come the start of our next homeschool year. Powered by his own feet and needing only limited "baby" supplies, I think we'll be able to do a lot of trips and outings that just aren't possible with a new baby. I'm excited about that.

With our quest to become self-sufficient homesteaders I think we've neglected one vital aspect of the journey; the kids. They've overheard our talking and share our goals insomuch as a kid can. They like the idea of having goats, chickens and horses, but they don't really understand what a dramatic change this will be in our lives. I want to rectify that.

So, this next school year, starting in 2011, I am going to change up our regular school goals of working to advance to the next grade level. I got a wonderful book from MOSI called The young naturalist's guide to Florida. by Lantz and Hale. The book is great, starting with information on the state and advancing through 32 lessons on the various ecosystems, envionmental careers, recycling, watershed and more. I plan do to one lesson a week, taking the kids to explore each of the areas the book discusses. I'd like to get them involved in 4H so they can learn more about the animals we want to raise. I want them to get dirty (which isn't really a hard task to complete) and dig into the Earth around them to understand why what we want to do is so vitally important.

We will still do math and reading and all the other lessons needed to raise intelligent and educated kids, but I want to change our homeschool ideals to match the ones in our lives. It's a new adventure and I'm exicited to start it.

Homestead Realities

I love reading homesteading blogs. I love perusing journeys of those that live without TV and off grid.
Who shun shopping and grow all their own food, including the milk, meat and eggs. I love hearing about people that pack it all up and head out to a slice of Earth and make it happen. Who spend their free time shitting in holes while they build their tiny houses from scratch with the materials of the land or all the stuff they've stalked on Freecycle. I love it, I really, really do. But there is one key difference between these idylic scenarios and my life.

They. Have. No. Kids.

Not a one. Zip, zero. Nil. Or, if they do, they're at least or close to teenagers. A second or third set of hands that can actually lend a hand to build. People that are, virtually, adults. That can occupy themselves and have sense to stay away from dangerous stuff.

I don't have that. I have kids, toddlers, babies. Piles and piles of children at the ready to stick their hands in wet cement or dump buckets of screws on the ground. The complete opposite of helpful when it comes to home building.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids, I love their ages and their tripping ways. I wouldn't have it any other way. But it's the lack of information, support or guidance from anyone else that's done it this way with kids that has me frustrated. Even the articles I read regarding this subject don't have this view point. I can't just pack it all up one day and say "Hey, we'll live off the land and if we can't find food, oh well!"* People will take my kids away and I really, really don't want that.

We have to have clean, fresh water. We have to have a climate controlled place for the kids to retreat to in the 100 degree weather. We have to have a steady supply of nutritious food, clean clothes, adequate restroom facilities and beds. Each of these, and a plethora of others, has to be hashed out, created or purchased before the next step -or even the first- can commence.

So, we'll be taking this in little baby steps, something we're well familiar with. Figuring out all the minute details that will help make our homestead a reality. I just would have liked to see someone else do it this way first.

*I'm not saying that people that do this are being nonchallant and haven't planned out what they'll do for food, shelter and the like. Just that we can't have quite the same freedoms as others.

A Case of the Mondays

For the most part, I look forward to Mondays. It's the start of the new school week. It's laundry day, which with the gorgeous weather, my new lines outside, my new deck and my discovery of Soap Nuts has turned a chore into a task. Big difference. It's also the day that I mentally map out projects that need to get done around the house both in the homestead, school room and sewing studio.

Yesterday, I made a test batch of these Crayon Wallets

Which the girls just love to pieces. So, now I have a new project to stock in my Etsy store.

Today is also the first day after the Sunday mail hiatus. I love mail. I got a lot of mail today.  Last week I got a custom order request for five of the block toy bags in my shop. The fabric I need to make them came today along with size tags for the pants I want to make this week, cell phone lanyard things to make Lego brick zipper pulls, the Zorb and organic bamboo for cloth mama pads and some Pul for wet bags. I also got the organic bamboo cotton jersey knit to make yoga-esque pants. And to top it off, I got another Starbucks Free Drink reward coupon. Nice!

So far the kids are behaiving relatively well, the garden is looking good even if there were a few stink bugs on the tomatoes and other than Max being a little sick, we're all fairly healthy and are recovering from a fabulous weekend of a barbeque on Saturday that turned the kids from this:

To this:

And a wonderful Children-led church service on Sunday.

Where they had the fabulous idea of putting on a play. Where they didn't have any lines. Or any mud.

Here, here for good weekends and even better Mondays!

A Homesteader's View

This is a view I see a lot throughout my day; The area in and around the kitchen sink. It's where a lot of little things happen.

It's where I check the laundry.

I check the temperature that's attached to the window which helps me determine if I need to go out and cool down the rabbits or if I should wait to go out to the garden.

It's where I rinse the veggies and fruits (see the strainer of blueberries on the left?)

It's where I get the water for my cold brew non-electric coffee maker (far left).

I keep the bagbalm there at the ready on the windowsil.

I handwash stoneware, cast iron pans and large-family-sized pizza sheets right in those tubs.

It's where a multitude of things happen throughtout the day that, though they aren't unique really when seperate, combine to shape the view of my homesteading journey.

My shoddy Rabbit shaving job

It was time. I had put it off long enough. Made excuses as to why I couldn't get to it but honestly, with the eighty degree temps we've been consistently having, there was need. Duncan got a shave. If there was ever a testament as to how green a homesteader I am, it is the terribly sad looking bunny in my backyard hutch.

Before (and add about 2 more months of winter coat growth to that)

What a pretty bunny! So soft and fluffy! Angora coats can get really long and need much attention. So, true to my nature, I had to screw up and let him get matted. My homesteading skills don't just happen overnight, I have to overcome myself before I can learn anything.

AFTER:

 

And he's still not done. He also looks a lot skinnier now too.  And you can see his back feets.

I still have some more to do (obviously). Tomorrow, I'll work on him again and then put him in the baby gate yard thing to play while I clean out his cage. The clippers that I have didn't work really at all other than to freak him out. So, I used my fingers as a guard against his skin and some 2" scissors to clip him. It was quite a process and thirty minutes later we have the very unattractive looking bunny above.

Another thing I've learned through this process...

Bunny wool gets everywhere. (click to enlarge).

It somehow made it to the front yard, the livingroom and I even found a tuft upstairs.

Another Constant Reminder

I printed out photos of our property through Snapfish to post around the house. Visitors might think it odd to have such a picturesque landscape scotch taped to the bathroom window and the kitchen cabinet but it's our way of reminding ourselves what's important.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the rush of life. The very real needs and wants of seven people can override the dreams we share. I see these when I'm getting ready to go to the store. It helps me to remember what we're supposed to be doing. To keep us on track.

I see these and I think "Maybe we don't really need all those groceries...", "Maybe we shouldn't go to both stores." A tiny, gentle, yet poignant way to tell myself to stop unnecessary spending. Money is the key to our dream. Even if we get things recycled, second hand or flat out used, chances are they're not going to be free. Though we can hope, we're realistic too. From what I've read about others building their own homes mortgage free and by their own hands, everything you think costs one price is usually double and takes twice as long to do.

I can accept that and I can work towards being finacially okay with it too.

A Lesson in Ladybirds

One of the things I'm still learning, four years into homeschooling, is how to take life and make a lesson out of it. You would think that merging home and school would be easy, it's called homeschool isn't it? But detaching from traditional teaching methods imbued into my soul as a young child is not. I'm slowly relearning while I teach.

A few posts ago I wrote about our aphid issue in the garden. I had the epiphany, while searching for live ladybugs on Amazon, to go ahead and order a few early elementary level science books to go along with them. Then I went to Enchanted Learning -the best site for printables- and printed out coloring pages on a ladybugs lifecycle.

I'd like to think that these past four years that is how I've done things; relating learning and projects to real life situations. Unfortunately, this has been a hard lesson for me to learn. I struggled for years trying to fit in what was on the list for a particular grade/age of a particular child based on public school requirements* and still be able to bake, change diapers, play with the kids, clean, grocery shop, get oil changes, do laundry, garden, drop off donations and the million other things that make up my day while still wedging in a slice of time for personal goals, college and projects. And maybe even get in a shower. School isn't about what you do in life, it's what you learn in books, right?

Throwing a stick in the cog of my mental processes, I headed outside. Crayons, printables, books and ladybugs in hand. We sat, we read, we colored and we learned. We released our ladybirds and watched excitedly as they explored the garden.

Then we sat at our gorgeous new picnic table. In the beautiful cool morning breeze we colored our books and learned about how ladybugs live.

I even learned some things I hadn't known about these marvelous benefactors to my garden. While we were doing this, Max was doing this...

We were careful not to squish any as we watched them run around, fly away and um...feverously mate all over my vegetables. They crawled all over as Emmy squealed in delight when one got up the gumption to crawled all over her. Fifteen hundred ladybugs is A LOT. They were everywhere in a few hours and even places we didn't necessarily want them.

The ceiling in the house.

I think the kids had a better time learning about them hands-on, seeing how they related to our lives and were important to us. I didn't have to fight to get them to sit and listen or read. I got to tend the garden while they were participating instead of being frustrated I couldn't get out to do what I needed to. I hope that I can learn -and remember- to incorporate more of these life-school lessons as we go on.

*These requirements are guided to meet a test called the FCAT here in Florida. A test that is in our top three reasons why we DO NOT send our kids to public school. Is administered every three years and directly relates to the monies the schools -and teachers- recieve from the gov't.

Another set of "Oh no"

The puppy is sick. Still pooping worms. We came home at ten last night to a diarreah explosion all over the beadboard wall behind her crate. We freaked out she ate grapes and feverously researched that for about half an hour. Rob and I both searching on both our computers at the same time. Its something that can kill her. Then thought maybe it was the little sample of free food we got from Tractor Supply (which we will NOT be feeding her again).

The bunny isn't eating. Two days and he hasn't more than touched his pellets. I've been putting off shaving him. Now I'm worried I really messed up by not. He's got mats in his fur which we've been slowly cutting out but it's been cold. I don't want him to be too cold by taking away too much fur. Now I think he has wool block. Something that can kill him.

The feedstore isn't open today either so I can't go get anything for either of them. I have some worm meds for the pup but she was just dewormed just over 2 weeks ago and then the week before that. I have to see if she can have it already. The bunny is getting slices of banana with the skins which he will eat which is hopeful.

Scared I'll be losing my animals.

Bug Update

They're aphids and white flies. Conny, send me your address and I'll send you a prize for correctly identifying those horrid beasts. I can't be in denial any longer. I have to stand up and fight.

kale

I told hubby about them last night and his response was "Well, they're not on your garden. Maybe they don't like your type of plants." I'd laugh if I wasn't so damn sad. On closer inspection, they'd already hatched on the single beefsteak tomato vine that is just now recovering from the frost that reduced the cherry tomato to a crumbling string of brown lifelessness a few weeks ago. The scant few leaves it does have can't afford to be hindered.

 arugula

Yesterday on Amazon I ordered a ladybug house, lure and 1500 bugs. I had called Feed Depot to see if by any chance they had them. They do sell them but are awaiting a shipment in two weeks time. Two weeks can make or break my garden if those little buggers are allowed to run rampant over those newly developing plants. The broccoli is getting ready to flower, I can feel it.

the aforementioned broccoli

I want that broccoli more than my morning coffee -the sustainance on which my day depends. If I have to fight for it, by God those bugs better watch out, find someone that doesn't care as much as I do. The photos on here are all things from the garden I've captured as of this past week. These are reminders of what I'm going to the matresses over. I've got a year of gardening under my belt. I'm not officially off the Green spectrum (probably more of an Asparagus than the bright Kelly Green of last year) but I won't sit idly by and watch them wreak havoc, inept and inexperienced with how to handle things. Groping wildly at ellusive gardening know-how to overcome something I hadn't experienced before.

snap peas

If the ladybugs don't hang around I have a backup plan. I'll grab another few thousand from Feed Depot when they come in and bust out the orange oil and plant soap. It's not over till it's over, and even then I'll come back for more. I'll try again and again till I get it figured out even if my heart breaks madly over the loss. I'll fight for my tiny plot of farm with everything I've got.

meyer lemon blossoms

Oh no, no, no, no, no

Please tell me these aren't what I think they are??? Please, I'm begging you!

Click to enlarge and please please comment and tell me what they are!

I knew it was too good to be true. That I'd get off bringing in produce for a few more months, before the warm/hot weather really hit and in conjunction the myriad of horrendous bugs.

All just a few scant feet from this.

And this.

There are THOUSANDS, nay, MILLIONS of these...things on a thirty foot length of six foot high bushes that go back a few feet to the fence. Every sunkissed set of leaves is coated. Every shady under-leaf is inhabitated. My heart is heavy. I feel like I swallowed a lead ball. The only saving glory here are this pair of ladybugs furiously munching away.

But just how many of these little bastards can the ladybugs possibly consume?

The less spotted bug was dashing crazily about in her/him/its* attempt to gorge on the hatching buggies.

The one sporting heavy spots was just hanging out like life was his -for some reason this bug felt like a him- buffet. Eat on my garden companions!

It makes me wonder though, just how many can they eat? Can these two fattening bugs the size of the tip of my pinkie even make a dent? Will it even matter, as the bugs grow and descend on my garden once again? I am heartsick, people. Truly.

*After watching "Bugs Life" I find myself awkwardly trying to be PC when it comes to ladybugs. I need them desperately, so I try not to offend.

Farm Name

I've posted on our farm blog about our quest for the perfect farm name. If you've been reading the blog here, you know a bit about us.

We're taking suggestions and have been told when the perfect name comes along we'll know it. It's just coming up with names to begin with that's posing the problem.

I'll be waiting anxiously to read your ideas in the comments!

In The Yard

I'd like to post that I got the entire third garden bed dug out today. I'd like to tell you that my back didn't hurt. That I didn't get dizzy and light headed. That I managed to get those poor romaine sprouts in the ground that are stifling in the little pots I bought them in weeks ago. I'd like to, and I probably could if I wasn't being honest.

A strawberry that has so far eluded Emmy.

Truth is, after two hours working out there I'm beat. My head is a little fuzzy, my shoulders are killing me (Thanks a whole lot to the guy that hit me last July). I'm too young to feel this bad after just a little bit of work. I really need to focus on my food intake and stop eating tons and tons of Girl Scout cookies with every meal while trying to convince myself I'm just doing it to support my two new Brownie Scouts  food that's not very good for me. I have a sweet tooth. A bad one. And I'm picky. And an emotional eater. But that's a whole other post.

One of the blueberries.

The 3rd plot got about half way cleared out. That creeping Florida grass just doesn't want to come up! Cordelia was a trooper and hung though it, helping to pull up as much as she could after I broke it up with the three prong handheld garden rake/fork thing*. We'll have two 4x8' beds once I'm done plus the various potted trees.

Garden so far.

I did get to replant the pineapple which Leeloo has been battling. Did you know various long green things are a puppy's sworn enemy? She got the broccoli too. And the Elephant Ear tree has been taking some hits.

Unmarred Broccoli

Days like this are precious in the hot as Hell state of Florida. It's gorgeous outside a high in the low 60's. Bright blue sky the perfect shade without a cloud in the sky to take from it's brilliance. Birds swooping and singing to me while I work. The bugs are still laying low since the temps do tend to dip. I have to covet these kinds of days while we have them.

The sky above my house.

Seeing the veggies and fruits sprouting and not having to worry quite yet about the bugs is a huge thing for me from last years horrific, heart crushing invasions. Everyday I pray they'll survive. I go outside filled with hope and a little bit of fear. In a few years we might be banking ours and the lives of five little kids on what I can grow and actually get to harvest. The garden could make or break us. It's a liberating feeling, exciting too and yet very, very scary.

Zucchini

Sorry the photos aren't cleaned up more. My editing software seems to think the photos are being used elsewhere and refuses to save any changes. I haven't been having a very good relationship with technology lately.

*Does that thing even have a proper name?

Pineapple Not So Express

Garden Pest

Last years garden was a year round disappointment. I was plauged with every malady known to the gardening world (and perhaps some that no one thought of). It was disappointing, frustrating and humbling though still peppered with miniscule victories that I gobbled up with the meager crops. The few ounces of basil and dill, a handful of cherry tomatoes.

I started out this year positively, thinking it will be so much better than last. I will make it better. I started early, made larger beds. We bought some citrus and experimented with both a new brands of seeds as well as some store sprouted plants. I bought more gardening books, joined a forum, asked questions and stuff my head with knowledge.

Organic gardening is hard. When problems occur, as they often will, you can't just run out to the store and buy a solution. Sometimes there just aren't any. You go out day by day and work your plots as best you can. There's a lot of praying involved. Much hope and, for me, many opportunities to be humbled. To learn that the way of life I want isn't going to give it up to me without a fight. I'm not a natural gardener and I know it but I want to be and I think sometimes that's enough to succeed.

So far this year, just two tiny months into it, I've had a good thing going. I've harvested about a dozen snap peas, about the same amount of cherry tomatoes, the bunny has gotten spoiled on clippings. I have sprouts shooting up full of life and promise.

Then I ran into a new garden pest they don't cover in books. One that sneaks off with fattening snap peas when you're not looking. Nibbles the spearmint and lemon balm. Eats the blueblueberries and strawberries when I'm waiting for them to turn the corner from almost to just ripe. I come out one day and everything I had hoped to find is gone, the bushes bare. It took me awhile to find this critter. There isn't a spray, powder, net or trap I can set to scare it off. It'll just come back for more, day after day, hour after hour. Even more frustrating is that I house it.

At least some of my frustrations hinge on this new garden pest I've found. I caught her outside today munching snap peas like candy without an ounce of remorse (though it did make me happy). I wonder now, how much of last years problems were caused by her. I've driven myself nuts thinking my garden is cursed! I berate myself thinking that I'll never be a good gardener, I'll never have a full harvest.

Then I realize, as I look at this garden pest pictured below, maybe my harvest is constantly coming in.

Emmy caught green handed with some snap peas.