I'm broke, leave me alone.

My debit card number got stolen at some point and I there are two charges pending in my bank account that are unaccounted for. My bank is awesome (thanks, USAA!) and have started proceedings to get them off. But now I have to wait for it to get redeposited, wait for a new debit card and get to be paranoid about anything else that happens.

I'm stalking my bank account like a crazed ex.

It's not fun.

I'll take an anteater and a block of ice, please.

I've been getting melancholy lately. Perhaps, this depression goes a bit with being un-godly sick for a ridiculous amount of time (yes, I'm still fighting it). Things have been happening around the house that make me think homesteading is just not ever going to happen for us. Money slips away and time whips by without much progress towards our life-changing dreams. I feel like we're just bobbing enough to keep our heads above water never getting on the boat that would give us smooth sailing. Fighting against a tide we have no hope of ever besting.

Perhaps, that's what a lot of people feel.

It seems like nightly we've been scouring the house taking down swarms of termites that have been wriggling their way under our near-century old wooden windows, congregating around the nearest lit lightfixture. Dropping their wings wherever they happen to be and chasing each other in frantic mating along walls, in the bathtub and on bed sheets. It's frustrating and gross. Though, other than getting the house tented (which is another set-back and another thing we really can't afford) we just have to deal with it, stalking the windows with the Raid and then unceremoneously vaccuuming up the remains. With the multitude of swarms that visit us practically nightly, it seems we must have a very tasty house.

Still, it makes me wonder what the city rules are on pet anteaters.

Two days ago it was 100.4 degrees outside in the shade. No lie. I can't imagine farming in that kind of weather. Yet, that's all I truly want to be doing; farming. Yesterday, our AC broke. And broke as in part of the mechanism outside fell off and the fan had desintegrated in places.

It only got up to 89 outside but inside it was 92 by the end of the day. We laid in melting puddles in our underwear under the ceiling fans all afternoon wishing we had blocks of ice underneath us. Nothing got done, it was just. Too. Hot. Rob came home from work at five bringing with him a wonderful new fan for the outside condenser. In five minutes it was fixed. Gotta say, I do appreciate having my own personal handy-man. We ended up going out for dinner before taking Leeloo to her first puppy class to give the house a chance to cool off before we headed to bed after annihilating yet another swarm. I can't believe it's only June.

It makes me worry that I won't be able to follow through with the chores a full-fledgd homestead needs. It also makes me realize why we have so few small farms in Florida. I can't image living down here a hundred years ago with no possible notion of central air or large scale termite solutions.

Things will get done -however sweat-soaked and slowly- and hopefully, money will also slowly get saved, but it's worrisome and disappointing when nothing seem to ever go as planned.

Another Constant Reminder

I printed out photos of our property through Snapfish to post around the house. Visitors might think it odd to have such a picturesque landscape scotch taped to the bathroom window and the kitchen cabinet but it's our way of reminding ourselves what's important.

Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the rush of life. The very real needs and wants of seven people can override the dreams we share. I see these when I'm getting ready to go to the store. It helps me to remember what we're supposed to be doing. To keep us on track.

I see these and I think "Maybe we don't really need all those groceries...", "Maybe we shouldn't go to both stores." A tiny, gentle, yet poignant way to tell myself to stop unnecessary spending. Money is the key to our dream. Even if we get things recycled, second hand or flat out used, chances are they're not going to be free. Though we can hope, we're realistic too. From what I've read about others building their own homes mortgage free and by their own hands, everything you think costs one price is usually double and takes twice as long to do.

I can accept that and I can work towards being finacially okay with it too.

I love the Tax Man

The sentiment isn't well shared though and I accept that. We love him now but my not like him so much later when the five little tax credits aren't claimable. This year, though, he's a welcomed visitor. This year he's going to help me get closer to my farm.

Raising five kids isn't easy. There are times when more than half need new shoes and I cringe looking at the bill. They need fitting shoes. I wouldn't not buy them but it's still a kick to the wallet when it happens all at once. Somehow they all need something at the same time. Shoes, clothes, doctor visits, bikes, car seats. Like Mother Nature tapped a wand on our house and everyone grew out of everything overnight. Believe me, it happens like that a lot.

We work through it though. We manage even if sometimes it's only just.

I'm sure people look at our family and wonder why we'd ever put outselves through the financial strain of raising this brood. I know they do because there are those select few -who apparently have no social filter- that say it to me. I usually say to them "Pick one I should get rid of." They usually shut up.

Money is money. It's a thing. Something to be used to better life and make living easier, freer. I truly feel we lost that when credit came around. Young, eager and naive. Our lives were ruined by it years ago. We're still recovering from our mistakes.

But as I said, it's a thing it can't take first steps or learn to say "mama". But it can buy cozy socks for walking.

This year it's buying parts of a dream. We'll be going out to the land later this month, or at the latest early March, hiring someone with a tractor and bush hog to clear the land, getting a hotel room, and having a shipping container delivered the next day. We'll us the container to hold materials we find. Be a workroom during construction, then transform it into a side of a barn or a studio for my sewing and writing. I'm looking forward to that shipping container.

We'll use some to pay off debt and some for savings. A few car repairs will be thrown in there too. We might get the house plan we're trying to make work. Possibly build a chicken coop for the urban house we have now along with a few fat speckled chicks. If we play it right, we might get a used RV to boot. Sounds like something frivilous but it's a 6 hour round trip drive to the land. We can stay in a hotel to get work done or drive our hotel with us and just walk out the front door to work.

We might never be rich in cash -hell, I don't think we were ever meant to be- but we'll try and do good when we get some.

Another day, Another dollar

With the impending arrival of the New Year just a few short weeks away and the onslaught of grotesquely bright and colorful ads shouting the merits of spending my money I thought it would be a good idea (before everyone redlines the credit cards) to talk about that horrific topic of Money.

We want a farm. That's no secret and it's no small order. We've wanted one for years. Sometimes the wanting is so bad I can taste hay on my tongue. That's it over there in the right. Gorgeous, isn't it? I can see the animals mulling around, hear the kids freely racing about, feel the hot Florida sun beating down on me as I kneel in a garden, smell the tang of fat ripe tomatoes so red they look surreal. I feel like a crack addict for something I haven't even had yet, just jonesing for a hit of that virgin land sitting three hours away. If we're going to get it, changes have to be made.

Those changes have to start being made or we're never going to get there. It's all well and good to talk about change but if it's not implemented it's just hot air in an already humid wind. I think impulsiveness is the detriment to any plan. With Money you have to have a plan. The economy is so upsidown right now I don't think anyone really knows what's going on. Debt is the harbinger of failure.

While we’ve been slowly modifying life to attain our goal, I’m happy with the progress we’ve made but we backslide. Too much. This last vacation we did well, kept the spending to a minimum and cut corners where we could but that necessary budget breaking food kept getting in the way. But there’s this little voice that says all that money would have made a great down payment on the skoolie. Even now, as we shuffle into the Starbucks line that little voice in the back of my mind that says we need to stop. I know we need to. This year we will.

This coming year is going to be rough. I know it is going to be hard, especially for the kids but looking at that land and knowing what we’re going to do is heady stuff. Makes a person not care so much about those skipped overpriced lattes. Makes you think twice about a lot of things.

Even if you're tasty dream isn't a farm but some other want you long for just as bad, I think you know what I'm saying. I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said a million times over by a hundred different people. I’m not an expert. Merely a girl with a dream she wants to see fulfilled.

I’m sending that photo over to Target today. It’s getting blown up to ridiculousness and printed out on high quality glossy paper. We’re going to post it in the house somewhere we’ll see it every day. Probably the bathroom. We’re going to bolt down a budget later this week and Gorilla Glue that sumabitch in place. I can hear the little voice cheering for us. We’re not buying groceries anymore but provisions and staples. No more spur of the moment travels or trips. If we don’t have it on hand I’m sure we can make due. We have plenty around here to keep us busy. The seed catalog is coming out and expansion for next year is underway.

Maybe one exception to the budget will be a megaphone for that little voice.