The new year started but nothing has changed. Nothing is new. Not really.
I seem to be cycling the same as I was. I'm not sure what to do about it. I'll be fine for a few weeks. A bit of time where things get accomplished. Stresses don't feel so heavy. Life might not be easy but it's better. Then something shifts. One day just doesn't go so well no matter how hard I try. It spirals downward from there. Dishes pile, laundry sits. Hell, I don't even get dressed. I feel the weight of the world and all I can do is hide and cry. Or at least want to. Badly.
I get this dreadful feeling that life isn't ever going to change. That the dreams and goals I want so desperately will always be just that. A dream. One that'll eventually get pushed aside like the myriad of things I desperately wanted as a kid.
I'm not talking about toys or clothes. There were dreams I had as a young teen. Christ, I aspired! Mediocrity wrapped it's same bland cloak over me. Then life threw me down. I struggled for a long time to get back up. I used crutches to see me through. It's been a long time since I picked up a bottle of anything to get me through just one more day. Some say I've lived more than most people my age. I don't think what that was, was living. It was survival. Things are so much better than that. They have been for so long. Why can't I get better? Why can't I see the good things? Why do I have have to keep wondering when the last shoe will drop and I'll have to go back to just surviving? Things can't go well forever. They can't. It's not the way the world works. It's hard for me to take each day as a beginning, something to do something with. Instead of waiting around and hoping things won't be too bad today.
The kids get to me. I know that. It's hard not to when at times there are five people demanding parts of me. Sometimes all of me. I feel streched and pulled and tugged. That's not right. I shouldn't be angry when they need me. I should feel selfish for wanting time for me. That's why I need a break. I'm taking a week off from the internet. Facebook, mail, my college classes, twitter and my blog.
I'm hoping to come back better. I know I told you I wanted to give you a 2010 filled with good blog posts but, in order for that, I have to focus on my life first. I have to find the balance I need and work on those things inside I've neglected for too long.