I'm thinking of writing a book called Crystal's Homestead Disaster Manual. What do you think?
In a long line of Things That Have Gone Wrong, including failing my semester exam yesterday, another rabbit died this morning. Or sometime last night. Hard to tell with rigor set in and voided bowels strewn around the cage.
I am trying very, very, very, very hard not to get depressed or cry over this. But the long running streak of failure has my head full of doubt over whether this is the right path for me. I'm questioning everything.
"I failed one small section of my exam which I can retake tomorrow" turns into "maybe I'm not a smart enough person to be college educated. Why do I need a degree anyway I'm a stay at home mom?"
"My little rabbit that never really seemed to grow like the other doe I got at the same time, just unexpectedly died." morphs to "Rabbits hate me. If I can't keep a rabbit alive more than a few weeks maybe I should just scrap the whole homesteading thing and sell off the remaining three to homes where people have a harder time killing things."
The small fig tree covered in ripening fruit I bought yesterday after my FAILURE notice in a bout of I-need-instant-gratification-to-make-me-feel-like-less-of-a-loser is now a mocking reminder of my own fig I bought two years ago that has yet to produce anything.
I can go on and tell you all the crappy things that are going around right now like how we're all getting sick, how my car now is having problems, how my new spinning wheel is crooked and either defective or I've somehow bent it and I can't really use it...but I really don't want to get even more depressive than I already am.
I'm trying, truly, to see the good that's around me but it's so very hard. I try and focus on something to help lift me up and I just get more frustrated and more overwhelmed. I'm locked in my confused head with a sore heart and am struggling to pull myself up out of this ditch I've dug. If anyone has words of wisdom or sage advice, I'd love to hear it. Even just a "wow, that is shitty." or a virtual pat on the back would be so very much appreciated.