Friday, July 23, 2010

Me and Failure? We're tight like this.

I'm thinking of writing a book called Crystal's Homestead Disaster Manual. What do you think?

In a long line of Things That Have Gone Wrong, including failing my semester exam yesterday, another rabbit died this morning. Or sometime last night. Hard to tell with rigor set in and voided bowels strewn around the cage.

I am trying very, very, very, very hard not to get depressed or cry over this. But the long running streak of failure has my head full of doubt over whether this is the right path for me. I'm questioning everything.

"I failed one small section of my exam which I can retake tomorrow" turns into "maybe I'm not a smart enough person to be college educated. Why do I need a degree anyway I'm a stay at home mom?" 

"My little rabbit that never really seemed to grow like the other doe I got at the same time, just unexpectedly died." morphs to "Rabbits hate me. If I can't keep a rabbit alive more than a few weeks maybe I should just scrap the whole homesteading thing and sell off the remaining three to homes where people have a harder time killing things."

The small fig tree covered in ripening fruit I bought yesterday after my FAILURE notice in a bout of I-need-instant-gratification-to-make-me-feel-like-less-of-a-loser is now a mocking reminder of my own fig I bought two years ago that has yet to produce anything.

I can go on and tell you all the crappy things that are going around right now like how we're all getting sick, how my car now is having problems, how my new spinning wheel is crooked and either defective or I've somehow bent it and I can't really use it...but I really don't want to get even more depressive than I already am.

I'm trying, truly, to see the good that's around me but it's so very hard. I try and focus on something to help lift me up and I just get more frustrated and more overwhelmed. I'm locked in my confused head with a sore heart and am struggling to pull myself up out of this ditch I've dug. If anyone has words of wisdom or sage advice, I'd love to hear it. Even just a "wow, that is shitty." or a virtual pat on the back would be so very much appreciated.

7 comments:

Melanie J. said...

Look at your pictures of your land. Imagine when you stand on it and breathe deeply. Imagine your kids are running through the grass and the house is half built now, and you've had both successes and failures and learned about homesteading and yourself in the process. Every failure is actually a success, because you learn something, whether it's tiny, like "I got a sickly doe, that's going to happen occasionally" or something big, like "the sheep are going to find ways to outsmart the fence, as evidenced by my neighbor bringing them home last night." This is all coming from someone who's not nearly as close to the dream as you are, but still believes...even though my first pepper and tomato plants are dying and I'm trapped another year in an apartment lifestyle. You haven't hit enough ceilings yet; keep dreaming! And kudos for having the strength to pull all this off in Florida...personally couldn't manage it; this state flummoxes me.

Anonymous said...

Education is never a waste. You failed one part of the test - mayby you didn't just get it the first time around. Some things take a little longet to grasp. The rabbit - you say that it didn't grow like the other one. Sounds like it had a problem before you brought it home, not that it died because of something you did. Take a deep breath. You have a lot on your plate, be gentle with yourself. Call the person that you got the spinning wheel from, maybe they can tell you how to fix it.

laura said...

I love your blog. You are wonderfully honest and open-but please be a little kinder to yourself. I know know that there are cycles to homesteading and an ebb and flow. You will find yours and try to go easy on yourself when it seems bleak.

sproutingflowers said...

Crystal, I know you don't share the same religious beliefs that I do, but when I'm feeling like you are right now (and believe me, I do feel like that at times!) I find great comfort in reading the Psalms. The psalmist expresses heartbreak and confusion and depression so beautifully that you can't but help be comforted. If we lived closer I'd invite you over for a cup of tea. (Several times I've thought you should build your homestead here in Missouri instead of down in Florida!) Virtual tea just isn't the same...

Anonymous said...

You list close to 100 blogs that you FOLLOW!!! My GOD!!, when would you have time to succeed!! Cut the number to 15, and accomplish more of your goals. You can do it, just Use your time to accomplish the most importantthigs.

Good Luck
Signed Anonymous because I don't want to be pecked by the Mother Hens Club...

Jessica said...

I've never been good at putting into words what I mean to say, but I have to tell you that I've been in awe of all of the things you accomplish every since I started following your blog. You have 5 kids. FIVE! You homeschool, you garden, you craft, you cook, you do all of the things I hope I'll be able to accomplish with just ONE baby on the way. Don't doubt yourself for a minute. :)

Michelle said...

yes, wow that's shitty! but i do love the "me and failure? we're tight like this" and throw up some fake gang signs. makes me giggle. Great book name! Also I think failing is better in the long run (not of course when it includes dead bunnies. Once Ole and I went through a string of black colored animals that died. It was very depressing). Here Nathan Fillion talks about the new "hero" being a flawed, real person: http://io9.com/5595975/nathan-fillion-explains-the-secret-of-creating-an-epic-hero just like you :)