Thursday, July 22, 2010

I've been quiet

Lately, it's been hard to get my thoughts and feelings together to make an adequate blog post here. There's so much going on and realizations and developments with me internally, I've been at a loss on how to express that in written words. Or even if any of it is meritous enough to be put to print.

How could I make a compelling read if I can't even sort my own faculties out?

The honest truth is right now I'm nervous, scared, intimidated and desperate. Things that don't bode well for good parenting, let alone a good blog post. I feel scattered and lost. If I think too hard about any one thing or the whole mess of everything that threatens to topple down on me, my eyes get moist and my throat hitches. Such is how I have been feeling lately.

But isn't that part of all this? To let everyone in the world know that I am no different than anyone else? That I too, have dips in my life as well as high points? Though, when I'm in a dip it seems the highs are never attainable and are so very, very few. This blog is a chronicle of my days and I try and fill what I share with open honesty. Just looking back at my own posts is a reminder that there is hope. There have been other times when I've felt this way, lost in a sea of never ending tidal waves and the days have passed by and what had seemed an unsurmountable mountain looming before me had slowly become reduced to mere pebbles under my feet.

This vast mountaious range that sits blocks me now is no different, even if my heart wimpers at the work to be done. It seems like too much and it is a lot. More than most would care to tackle especially with the number of passengers I am taking on this trip. Though my heart might tremble and my head feel disorganized, just to sit here and not start the climb is unaccepable to both. It is just merely not an option.

Today, I am making tiny steps as I do everyday, though it's hard to notice. In a few short hours I will go sit for my first semseter exam. Completely unprepared -because there really is no way to prepare other than taking the classes I'll be quizzed on- but I'll go and I'll do it and I'll give it my best. This one boulder before me will become that little pebble under my boot.

Which is really all I can -and will- do for the rest of it.

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