Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Life's Crossroads

So, I think I'm finally old enough to recognize an impass in my life and not freak out (too heavily) about it. Maybe. I can think back and pinpoint other times in my life that were like this but those fleeting moments seemed much more overly dramatic and instant, this has been a slow pull. Almost like change grabbed me by the ankles and is dragging me into the next phase in my life ever so slowly. I'm trying not to kick and scream as I go. I think this is a bit scarier than the times where change had all but reared up and coldcocked me.

I was faced with change then that wasn't negotiable. Most of those times were when I got pregnant or gave birth. Yes, yes, we all know how that happens but the impact of the reality was what hit me hard. That first double lined stick and my life had made a sharp right turn. I wouldn't give up those moments for anything but now I can see them. Look back on them and recall that so much more was happening than getting knocked up or giving birth. My life changed irrevocably.

Before kids, I had a job outside the house. Before that I was a bit of a wild child. My tastes have always run to the unique, though others have called it odd and other not as nice descriptions, freak comes to mind. I like what I like, but after getting married, getting that professional job, and having that first baby, I changed. Though now I see that the change wasn't me. It was what I thought I was supposed to become.

That part of me that I never had issue with before, that unique part, didn't fit into what I became. You can't be a professional and have tattoos or dreadlocks. You can't be a mom without looking modern day Donna Reed. I tried to conform my outward appearance, my likes and my attitude towards a picture of what I felt I should be. Some model of perfection planted in my brain. Where this came from I'm not totally sure. Just that for over a decade I have warped myself into feeling "less than".

Less than a good mom because my house isn't spotless all the time. Because sometimes we have cereal for dinner and sometimes the kids have dirty faces when we go out. Less than a good wife because I'm not the perfect weight and some days I don't even get out of my jammies. Because dinner isn't always waiting piping hot on the linen draped table. Less than a woman because I don't like fake nails and highlights. Because I'd rather be in jeans and sneakers than flouncy blouses and strappy sandals.

Now, here comes my crossroads. Change is pulling me hard and I can see it up ahead. A time has come when I need to either make a change or continue my less than happy course. It's scary. I'm rethinking the entire basis of my existence more or less. Even though I haven't been very content with myself this past decade, change is a scary thing. I'm comfortable in my discontent, as odd as that might seem. I feel like these changes would make me really happy if I can get over the fear of making them. Many aren't even changes I have to exert physical energies to do. They're phobias, misconceptions and irrationalities I've collected. I have to look at the positives I have and remake the negatives into more positives.

I have five gorgeous, brilliant, lovable and funny little people that I helped make with a wonderful, loving, handsome, smart husband. My twenty-nineth birthday season has begun and we're all happy and healthy. Rob's coming back from Iraq soon and we have lots of really fabulous things planned for this next phase of life. So maybe I should stop letting change drag me and stand up and take it by the hand.

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